Thursday, January 23, 2003

It has come to the attention of the VVR, again via that admirable publication "Tenth Muse Nightly" that regular subscribers to Damn You Must Be Bored To Read This productions think the company need more programming variety. The VVR assures me that it believes the company, of which the VVR was the spearhead in its 2002 debut, provides plenty of programming variety already, from historical and literary analysis to modern cultural and political commentary, and most importantly a plethora of interwoven soap operas. However, as the VVR is currently busily making itself a new nest and has allowed control of The Dolls House to rest upon the capable shoulders of one of its alternate personalities, I think we need a little spice. Something that appeals to the masses and could go nicely in a popular early evening slot. A quiz show perhaps. And so - without further ado about nothing, may I present to you the (Utterly Unendorced By) Damn You Must Be Bored To Read This production's ......

TIME OF YOUR LIIIIIIFE! With your (g)host, Lord Wuss!

Welcome to the show, Ladies and Gentlemen - particularly that cute ole' tiger in the front row... (leans over to him) ("I don't come cheap, but I offer OAP discounts" *wink* Ahem.. so yes! Right.. our first question this evening is - fingers on those buzzers contestants. No the one on the DESK you filthy little girl.. *ahem* Your first question is;

1) The best people to watch pornography with ARE....
A - Your lovers
B - Your housemates
C - Nobody

*bbbzt!* Contestant five! "Your lovers" *ERRRR-ERR!!* Sorry Contestant five, the answer is "Your housemates" as of course exemplified by the VVR, who last night watched a soft porn film about alien vampire lesbians WITH Mr Nygma, Shortbread, Sir Whinealot and latterly the Jellicle. Number five, you will now be sent straight to THE SHARK TANK!!!! *Argh! Splash! CHOMP!* Now, Question number two;

2) What is a valid excuse for not doing the washing up?
A) A papercut
B) Having work to do
C) It isn't your turn

*bzzzzt!* Number eight! "It isn't your turn?" Oooohhhh so close yet so far, sorry Number eight it's the electric eels for you! *Argh! Splash! BBBBBZZZZZT!!!!* The answer is A, a papercut. Last week, Sir Whinealot refused to do the washing up because he had a papercut. And they call ME Lord Wuss... Come on people, someone has to win our grand prize - only one question left!

3) What is the best way to piss off your wife?
A) Satirise her Mother in fiction
B) Phone her up at 4AM to tell her you love her
C) Forget her birthday and buy your ex-mistress a birthday gift, ouch.....

*Cacophony of buzzers* well well, what a confusion, I think the only one we didn't hear from is Number four, so everyone else, let's have your answers! 1 "Satirise her mother" 2 "The birthday one" 3 "The mother" 6 "Phone her up late" 7 "Forget her birthday"
*A deathly hush falls, as Lord Wuss eyes the contestants, all shifting nervously in their places...*
It kills me to do this - but,... YOU'RE ALL WRONG! The correct answer is "all of the above" *pulls a huge lever that plunges all contestants apart from Number 4 into vats of boiling oil, there is a fit of screams and sizzles and the air begins to smell of bacon*

So it looks as if we ave a winner - Contestant number 4, I'm pleased to tell you that you are tonight's winner! *applause* and as your grand prize, you get.....

.........To clean my room for me!!!!!!!

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Well, I thought that went awfully well.....